


Sexual Secrets of the Vampyre

by gabrielleabelle



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Comedy, Episode Related, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-28
Updated: 2009-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-03 22:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabrielleabelle/pseuds/gabrielleabelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Storyteller</i> didn't show us all of Andrew's video...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexual Secrets of the Vampyre

"Now, gentle viewers, I would like to take some time to explore the sensual world of vampyres. I know your questions. What does a vampyre feel like? What about that stamina? How about...the intimate acts?

"Believe it or not, I have first-hand knowledge on the subject, as I have been bitten by a vampyre. Indeed, none other than William the Bloody - currently known as Spike - sank his powerful fangs into me, forever binding ourselves to one another.

"I can recall, at length, the hedonic feel of his muscular body. Muscles tensed and bulging. Like a feral cat playing with its prey in an erotic approximation of intercourse. Except the phallus, in this instance, are the fangs.

"But vampyres are more than just bites and blood. They are also intensely sexual creatures, as can be evidenced by Spike, himself. Looking as if he just soaked in a pool of carnal delight, he exudes pure animalistic titillation.

"You see, a vampyre's sexuality is driven by its demon. As such, vampyres are able to escape the bonds of mere human physiology.

"Gentle viewers, what I'm about to describe is graphic and very arousing. I refuse to censor myself, however. It's important that the truth about vampyres be known.

"No blood circulation is needed for a vampyre to maintain an...excited sexual state. The magic of the demon ensures that a vampyre can get aroused at any time and for any _length_ of time.

"How do I know? Well, need I remind you of my close encounter with William the Bloody? His fangs weren't the only things that were hard.

"But there's more, gentle viewers. For you see, just as a vampyre is an innately sexual creature that can be ready at a moment's notice, it's also capable of...well...going all night, so to speak. Vampyres aren't vulnerable to disappointing human conditions such as premature...er...finishing early. Stamina is the word, gentle viewers.

"Again, I must go back to Spike, the vampyre with which I have a most intimate relationship. I won't go into details as to how I obtained this knowledge. Suffice to say, I know full well the tireless piston of erotic pleasure that is a vampyre.

"Not only is a vampyre a veritable oasis of nonstop lasciviousness, but once a vampyre _does_ erupt in passion, there is virtually _no_ downtime between bouts of arousal.

"Yes, that's right. A vampyre such as Spike can go and come and then keep going with nary a pause for breath.

"Contrary to what one might think, however, a vampyre's seed is not cold. Again, this is because of the demon within, which warms the loins of every vampyre.

"As for proof of these extraordinary abilities, there is none better than Spike. I have with me, gentle viewers, some illustrations I have made that depict Spike's sexual prowess - "

"Turn the bloody thing off."

Buffy was already fumbling to stop the tape. Static filled the screen, and she sat back on the couch, trying to pretend Spike was _not_ sitting right next to her. Because...awkward..

Spike exhaled a length of breath. "That was..."

"Yeah." Buffy nodded. "You...you didn't _sleep_ with Andrew, did you?"

Spike rocketed into a standing position as soon as the question left her mouth. "What the hell? Of course I never shagged the twit!"

"Just...cause...well, he was kinda...right...about a lot of that..."

Spike was silent, but she could see the muscles of his jaw working underneath his finely-chiseled cheekbones. Finally, he spoke, "You don't think he..."

"What?"

He spoke in a low voice. "You know, that he's _heard_ us."

A blush spread over her body. With a house full of people, it had been damned difficult to find a bit of privacy...for that...

They couldn't _ask_ Andrew if he'd heard, because that would just give them away. But there was another way...

Buffy felt a thrill run through her as she reached for the remote. "I think we need to get a look at those illustrations."


End file.
